Radical Acts of Humanness

We've just heard that friends of ours are navigating a loss that most of us will never understand.
They set out a year ago to adopt a baby (their second adoption) and have been through trials, uncertainty and work which most biological parents do not experience. They set out, they gave their hearts and their hope, they loved and named and awaited, and on the day they expected to bring home their baby they were told that it wouldn't be so. The biological mother changed her mind. Anyone can see the beauty which that holds for this tiny baby, but the awesomeness lies in the radical act of voluntary vulnerability of these two incredible people.
They knew that this heart wrenching outcome was a possibility and ,in fact, we spoke about it only days before, and yet, they opened their hearts and minds and wallets and home as if it was not, and what an honorable. worthy. fine. example that sets for the rest of us.
I cannot begin to know what they are experiencing now, but I know that this idea of choosing, mindfully, to leave exposed our hearts and minds; to offer ourselves up for the love of hope and the hope of love is truly awe-inspiring to me and has taken root somewhere deep in me.

Our friend told us that when their last baby was born he held that tiny newborn for six hours, just bonding, connecting, loving.... throwing to the wind the knowledge that it may be the only time. Could you do that? Could you love and give yourself wholly and completely and intimately for the love of a soul that can offer no promises? Could you imagine a world where we all lived in voluntary vulnerability? Could you even go to the grocery store in a state of voluntary vulnerability? Being and living true to self ... no matter what?

Today I save a quiet place in my heart for reverence of our friends and I wish them peace and deep love to ease their pain.

Farm To Market

Wednesday is Farmer's Market Day for us and I always look forward to it. We never seem to be able to get to the morning farmer's markets, but this one is in the evening and just perfect for us.
It's just big enough to get all kinds of fresh and prepared goodies but small enough to be intimate and a great place to hang out. It's held in an area that allows for a band and picnicing, which we do every week.
Tonight was excellent. All the vendors have their tents strung with lights of all kinds, the music was a lone sax and the air was just brisk enough to allow us to pull up our hoods and get our noses a little pink. We munched on some of the most delish Thai food that Austin has to offer, made by our friend Jam , sipped some fresh, local, hibiscus mint tea, said hello to friends and played a little tag with Monkey. Squeak tested out her new mobility and visited some of the other picnic blankets asking for food. She's such a cute little ham butt!

The day started out rough with a lot of pain and fatigue, but it ended with me being able to run in circles playing tag with Monkey and chasing Squeak on her social adventures. Yumminess!

Take A Picture, It'll Last Longer

My grandmother sent me a mug that says, "Life is good..." on one side and "Do what you like, like what you do" on the other. It's on of those big heavy, curvy, old-fashioned diner type mugs and I love it. This morning I put my daily cup of mate late tea with chocolate sweetened almond milk in it and as usual reminded myself that no matter what happens today, it is a good day. I remind myself that every day is a good day and it all matters.
I tell myself that hours and days and minutes are false and my awareness of life is true. I tell myself that the good moments, however brief they may be sometimes, are the big moments, the moments that will occupy more time and more space in my mind that any number of hours of pain or trials. I try to think of it like a photo album filled with image after image of smiles, babies, reunions, friends, special moments, surprises, favorite places; the things you take pictures of, the things you want to remember and share. Or maybe a file cabinet, where pain and trouble go in one big fat file, but the whole rest of the cabinet is jammed with good moments that each get their own special file and place in the cabinet. If I make a file for enough good little life nuggets they will over take the cabinet and that single fat file.

Today is a day with some pretty intense nerve pain throughout my left side so My Hero is home to care for us. So today I will be happy for the company of my husband, for the beautiful beautiful Autumn weather, for the green lawn dappled with sunlight through the leaves not yet on the ground and knowing that today has endless opportunities for meaningful moments.
Tonight we will all draw our creations on our pumpkins and SuperHero Daddy will carve them all out for us, in anticipation of Halloween. Yay!

Harvesting Life This Autumn

The days have been so good to me the past two weeks! How extraordinary to once again fold piles of warm laundry and cook hearty meals for my family. What a gift to be able to carry my little Squeak around and wrestle with my sweet Monkey! The pain sneaks in, quietly while I prepare dinner, but I tell it to hush and wait while I delight in the time I'm sharing with my family, no longer on the sidelines. It pokes and waits, but I growl at it and shoo it to the corner to wait, just wait, till I get the babies to bed, and it does. It hunches in the corner, red eyed and growling back, but it waits for me to lie down and accept it's gnawing, which I do with a heart filled with the satisfaction of having been with my family and once again living life. My Superhero lights the candles around the rooms, turns on some sweet music and delivers to me some special treat; a foot rub with some hot cocoa, some honeyed herbal tea and a thick novel, some velvety rich sweetness that is Chocolove with my laptop... Mmm, yes, we are in the business of Living. Of truly living each day.

Autumn is in full swing here. The green grass is full of leaves that crunch underfoot, the temperatures have dropped leaving the air feeling moist and brisk and finding a little warmth in the sun is purely divine, and the pecan harvest at our house is inexhaustible. We have three pecan trees and with little effort have already bagged nearly 8 gallons of pecans. Last night, after yesterday morning's storm, we all went out after dinner and padded, barefoot, through the lawn looking for fresh pecans. Squeak was all snuggly in her fleece sling on Daddy's chest, enjoying the up and down ride of bending and standing with each find. I was toasty in my layers of thermals and hooded sweatshirt, with one sock off for pawing and one on to keep as warm as I could, alternately sipping and breathing the sweet warmness of my Redbush tea with vanilla.
Of course my silly little Monkey was bounding around in shorts and boots singing, "I like the cold, even the snow!" stopping only to give the grass a trim with his safety scissors so we "Won't have to pay the lawn guy anymore, Mama!"
We managed to collect about two and a half gallons on pecans before the sun had set so far below the horizon that we could no longer see the pecans we were feeling.
Oh Autumn! How do I love thee? Let me count the ways.
I love thee to the depth and breadth and height my soul can reach...

Home Sweet Home

We took a vacation to Wisconsin this past week.
Beautiful Beautiful Beautiful
Our vacation truly began while we were searching for the Milwaukee Whole Foods and spotted a beach. So, being on vacation and all, we stopped looking for the right street and went to the beach. And how wonderful it was!


It was beautifully sunny with just the right amount of defined, long afternoon shadows, and the air was perfectly fresh and cool. The sand was so soft and warm, but when I dug my feet in or stepped in a shadow it was surprisingly chilled and refreshing. Looking out into the lake was arresting. The water washed up on the sand making the most soothing sound and despite its appearance of endlessness, it was a lake and therefore pleasantly devoid of all things dangerous. It was heaven!
MonkeyBoy played in the sand, jumped from the giant mounds and ran through the icy surf, stopping just long enough to engage and enchant the other beach-goers.
Squeakola decided that though the sand was terrible for eating (via faceplant) it was Great Fun to kick and throw.
The two hour drive that lay ahead couldn't budge us, but eventually our tummies rumbled and our muscles ached and we finally had to give in and move on.

The rest of the trip was just as magical.
Wisconsin in the autumn is so rich, seductive, disarming, magnificent.... It would take a literal thousand words to describe....

Squeak playing in the fall leaves

I felt my soul lifted, my pain eased, my whole being soared.

Me and My Beautiful Sister Ella



It was the best thing ever. What we truly needed.
I returned home a new person.

Our hearts and minds are still lingering in Wisconsin, only our bodies have made it home for now.

Pictures? hopefully tonight....

The Sun'll Come Out

Today is a better day.
After some brief panic when My SuperHero (husband) announced he was sick, we regrouped and realized we've made it this far and are so not going to get our asses handed to us by a cold. humpf
BoyChild happilly skipped out to the van to head to school this morning, his fever having broken yesterday morning, and my baby girl, Squeak, seems to have developed a taste for baby snot. Yum

I have an acupuncture treatment this evening that I am looking forward to. Sometimes I get better by leaps and bounds, and sometimes it feels like one step forward and two steps back, but I am always grateful for the relief in whatever form it comes.

I have been taking a tincture, called Soul Purpose, intended to aid meditation, lucid dreaming, etc, before my sessions and it's produced some pretty powerful thoughts, dreams, memories and ideas. I usually try to have something light to eat, like greens or fruit, drink some herbal infusion and meditate before hand I almost always come away feeling at least a tiny spring to my step, but often I walk to my car feeling powerful, spiritual and whole. It's like getting a whiff of fresh air when you've been trapped in a mine.

My Superhero was still up at 1am working, as usual, and says that he was able to pound out enough work to stay home and take it easy today. We're a family of Troopers, we are, and though we take turns in the lead, he is most often the steam that helps carry us through.

Thank you, Internets, for all your candles and healing light. We feel it.

xoxo

My Path

Sometimes there is pain in everything. A prison of pain, where turning my head makes me groan, opening my eyes must be done with a deep sigh. Those are the days when my kids hugs and my husbands touches are too much and must be given with eyes and words instead. Those are dark days. Those are the days that snuff out my light.
Today is one of those days.
There is a lot of pain today.

This is part of me right now.
Right now I am healing, my body and my spirit are healing, and it is a long and difficult path that I am walking, but I absolutely refuse to give up.
My path is dark and painful and hard at times, but it is a path. It won't always be like this. I can feel it. I may be in a thorn patch right now, I'm cut and sore, slowed down and sometimes snagged, but I can see the edge and there is softer ground ahead.
I can see a clearing and I can see myself lying in a soft bed of grass, patches of sunlight coming through the trees, warming my face and body. I can feel the healing power of this place.
I am getting there.

The day when hugs don't hurt and there are no more tears is coming. The day when I can hold my little baby with my arms instead of my eyes is coming.
It has to.
There is no other option and I believe.
I'm not meant to live this way for always.

The pain cannot trap me here. There is a better place and I will get there, no matter how much stomping, tearing and pain there is. I will get there and I will be free of this pain forever.
Light a candle for me so I can see the path.